Tips on dealing with oppositional behaviour

The key to a healthy parent-child relationship is trust. Your child won’t do what you ask unless they trust that it’s for their own good and protection. You can build that trust in simple, everyday ways:

• Look after your child’s basic needs (e.g., provide nutritious meals, comfort them when they’re upset)
• Establish reassuring routines
• Listen to their stories
• Acknowledge their opinions
• Take the time to explain the rules you set
• Etc.

In many cases, kids make a habit of digging in their heels because they realize it’s an effective tactic. When they see that throwing a tantrum, sending their parents on a guilt trip, or sulking always leads to getting their way, it encourages them to repeat this negative behaviour. There are a number of ways to prevent this from happening with your child:

• Avoid giving them negative attention (e.g., responding to insults, repeating your request 10 times)
• Stand your ground and don’t give in to their demands
• Establish a consequences system
• Refuse to negotiate and argue
• Etc.

Sometimes, a child’s opposition stems from their desire for autonomy. They may feel the need to assert themself, gradually distance themself from their parents, and prove they can do certain things on their own. If this seems to be the case with your child, try encouraging them to be more autonomous, which will benefit them not only at home but also at school. You can do this in various ways:

• Give them more responsibility
• Teach them to learn from their mistakes
• Suggest new projects
• Allow them to do certain assignments or chores unsupervised
• Etc.

It’s not a general rule, but oftentimes children seek out negative attention because when they misbehave, they get a bigger reaction than when they do what they’re told. That’s why it’s recommended to ignore bad behaviour as much as possible and to focus instead on praising good behaviour. For example, when your child follows the rules or does something positive, you can do the following:

• Say something encouraging (e.g., “Great job,” “You’re amazing”)
• Show them how impressed you are by their accomplishments
• Celebrate when they overcome a challenge
• Acknowledge their progress
• Use non-verbal language (e.g., clapping, giving a thumbs-up)
• Etc.

If none of these tips seem to help, don’t worry! Research has shown that oppositional behaviour follows a very specific pattern: you ask something of your child, they say no, you argue, tensions rise, you make threats, they push back more and more, and the situation ultimately gets out of hand. Luckily, it’s possible to break this cycle and nip your child’s behaviour in the bud. Here are some strategies you can try:

• Give clear instructions
• Refuse to start arguing
• Keep your distance (in a safe manner) until your child settles down
• Count to three and immediately enforce a consequence if they don’t listen
• Be consistent (e.g., never repeat the same instruction twice)
• Etc.