Fostering my Child’s Emotional Intelligence

How do you help your child learn from what they’re going through so they can have healthier relationships with themself and others, at school and at home? Listening to, accepting and validating their emotions will help your child shape their identity. This is the main principle of positive parenting.

Emotions are neither good nor bad. By learning to identify their emotions without judging them, parents and children can have better control over the intensity of their feelings and how they influence their behaviour. For example, instead of hiding your own emotions, you can express them calmly: “See? The other day I felt angry when a car cut me off. Are you angry right now too?”

We often ask our children to calm down as soon as big feelings come out. Instead of asking them to stop their emotions cold, it’s better to teach your child to regulate their emotions on their own. Denying, minimizing, or criticizing emotions in a judgmental tone won’t make things better. For example, instead of threatening your child with a punishment, you could suggest a quiet activity to help them calm down. Here are a few ideas:

• Take a break and breathe deeply
• Drink a glass of water
• Draw
• Lie down
• Wash their face
• Etc.

Even better, you could ask your child to suggest their favourite coping strategy! 

Though the first reflex as a parent is often to fix whatever is wrong, try to understand your child’s perspective first. When you listen empathically, you give your child an opportunity to learn how to manage uncomfortable feelings. Asking your child to talk (without interrogating them) helps them identify what they’re feeling and shows that you’re validating their emotions, but not necessarily their behaviour. Empathic listening is about more than just listening! You also need to pay attention to your child’s non-verbal cues and try to put yourself in their shoes.

Oftentimes, kids don’t have the words to explain what they’re feeling. As a parent, you can help them identify emotions and restate what you hear in a soothing, non-critical way. For example, you could say: “I can see you’re very sad” or, “It’s awful that your favourite toy is broken. I understand why you’re mad.” Putting names to emotions goes hand in hand with empathy and has a calming effect on the nervous system. Anger, sadness, and fear are emotions that everyone has to learn to live with.

After listening empathically to your child, naming their emotions and reaffirming your limits when it comes to bad behaviour if needed, it’s time to address the problem. For example, ask the following questions:

• “What do you feel in your heart?”
• “What are you saying to yourself in your head?”
• Etc.

These phrases are not intended to solve the problem for your child, but rather the opposite. They help your child reflect, cope with worries, find solutions, and ultimately become more empowered. Even better, you could encourage your child to come up with their own ideas or guide them toward a solution that takes into account the emotions of others and your family’s values.